Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough for something or someone? Because I do everyday. I try and try to tell myself I am good enough, you are lovable; but the voice in my head tells me otherwise.
I have a man who I love with everything in me but I still feel like I am not good enough for HIM, that he deserves more than me. I have let past relationships get in the way of loving him the way I should. He deserves all of me, and I keep blaming him for things the boys did in my past.
In past relationships, I was never the number one priority; there was always something or someone else before me. I was told it isn’t you, it is me. I was told I am just unsure how I feel about you, and my favorite is when they tell me lets stay bestfriends but do everything in their power to slowly destroy me in the process with all the other girls — yeah. I am not saying I never loved them, I loved my last one a little too much and that is what ruined who I am. I loved him so much I lost myself in the process. I became who I THOUGHT he wanted me to be so he would love me. I became someone I never knew just to get him back in my bed. I became this person, this person who ruined his other relationships because I so desperately wanted him and felt like I needed him. I was wrong, he did not deserve ME, yeah that is right ME! I spent endless nights crying and crying wondering why I was not good enough for him, and why he kept our hook-ups a secret but rubbed it in my face about all the other girls that had been in his life. He ruined me and all I ever did was love him and want to help him. He destroyed me and my self-worth and I have never gotten even an apology for that. I am not saying I am perfect, and that I never hurt him but I would never hurt him the way he hurt me.
The worst part is my relationship now is nothing like that– and he loves me for me, yet part of me is still ruined from the past. I want to love him so powerfully, but yet I hurt him over and over again blaming him for something someone else did to me. I am so lucky to have him, and he never gives up on me no matter how moody I can be; thankfully. I am learning to love myself again and allowing myself to heal. This has never stopped me from loving him, I just had to take a step back to realize how damn good he is. I love him for him and he loves me for me.
In a way, I thank my past relationships for hurting me so I knew what to look for. I found my soulmate, and for that I thankful.