To my first love,
First let me start off by saying, what a ride; I do not think I could sum into words better than just crazy. Crazy emotional, crazy amazing, crazy draining, crazy tiring, just all over crazy.
I want to thank you for showing me what real love was like. Even though our relationship was very on and off again, your loyalty to me as a friend stayed true. That loyalty made me never want to let go of you. No matter what we went through relationship wise, we came out really strong friends in the end… always there when we needed one another.
But, I think that is what ruined us. I think we were crazy to think that when we were “off” I guess you would call it, that we could be friends. There was no way of either of us moving on, when the other was right there still… at least this is how I felt; maybe moving on every time we were “off” was easier for you.
I would never regret you being a part of my life, ever. You taught me so much, and my life would not have been the same without you. Back then, I knew you better than anyone.. so I thought. Sometimes I read through old things between us, and every time you would get in trouble and I was there to save you. But, looking back now.. I never saved you. I may have numbed the pain, but I was awful. My focus was always, “are we getting back together, I need you. I can’t live without you” when you needed me, really really needed me. Why couldn’t I be there for you? Why couldn’t I have helped you? I thought by being in a relationship it was suppose to make everything better for the both of us. I was wrong, so wrong. You needed more than just that, and I feel like I failed you. If I could go back, I would. I should have been there. There was deeper issues all along, why couldn’t I see that?
I’m sorry that I failed you. I really, honest, the bottom of my heart hope you find someone who loves you as much as I actually did, but never showed. I always wanted to come across like it never hurt me, any of the stuff you did… when it hurt so much. I never wanted to show how much I actually loved you, when I did so much.
Although, I did not end the relationship… I probably did not do much to save it either. You deserve the world, just like I do. I’m sorry we could never make it work. But, part of me will always wonder how much you really did care at the end of the day.
Love, me and a bunch of random things I wish I would have done or said to you.