Trust me when I tell you, I’ve been there. I crazly fast, head over heels “fell in love” with a boy at 16. I had just gotten out of what my 16 year old-self called a crappy relationship, but what was headed my way was much worse. Let me tell you, when I fell for this new boy I fell fast. Everything felt so right with him, obviously nothing I had ever felt before.
I let my guard down, I mean way down. We had a perfect relationship at first, but ended in heartbreak for my 16 year old-self…. And my 17, 18 and yes 19 year old-self. I let my heart rule over my brain.
After a few months into the relationship I started to see s change in this boy I so called loved. He broke my heart the day before my 17th birthday. Out of the blue, said he couldn’t handle a serious relationship. I had never felt that kind of pain. My heart ached and I thought it was never going to heal.
Of course, shortly after he came crawling back saying he can’t see life without me. Obviously, I couldn’t either…. Yep, it was back on. This pattern of him changing his mind constantly about me continued for almost 4 years. Out relationship was never physically abusive, but boy… It was definitely mentally and emotionally abusive.
Everyday, I thought, “wow this is going to be my life. Everyday I have to wonder does he really love me? Is he just going to leave me again tomorrow?”
Over and over I let him break my heart, and I would constantly let him back in because I didn’t want to break his. Sad, I know. I let him walk all over me and use me because my heart and love over powered anything else. I wish I could tell myself every time he did that to walk away and stay away. If I could go back, I wouldn’t stop walking. It is so sad to know you deserve more, but don’t think you’ll find it so you stay. I stayed because I was comfortable and didn’t want to start over with someone new. Why. Why. Why.
If your “man” is not giving you the love and attention and worshiping you like a damn queen you are… Leave him. Leave, don’t just walk away, run. My relationship was so toxic I felt suffocated, I didn’t know how to breathe with him or without him. I felt empty with him just as I did without him. I didn’t know how to be independent or free. But I sure do now.
Being in something so toxic really hurt my outlook on future relationships. I’m currently in a really happy relationship, and I know he would never treat me this way, it is always in the back of my mind, “is he going to leave like the last one? Does he really love me?”
Walking away from a toxic relationship made me so much stronger. I took a long time to be single and figure out exactly who I was (a beautiful, independent, strong, sassy individual) and what I wanted. I dealt with anxiety, and still do sometimes because of the constant up and down mental/emotional damage. But, I have to say thank you in a way. Going through this taught me so much. Really, it did.
So girls, please do not hesitate to walk away from toxic relationship. Realize what you deserve, and if you deserve more.. walk(RUN) away. You deserve to be worshipped. Just remember there is someone out there who is going to give you the world, and not just try and be the center of it.
July 11, 2016 – Savannah Myers